In honor of the pending uber match between my favorite team Germany and the tournament favorites Spain, I would like to discuss a specific player…. Fernando Torres of course!
I may have talked about him before, but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate… Fernando Torres is a 26 year old striker that is pretty much all hotness on the ball and off. He plays for Liverpool right now, and all of us Chelsea fans have been considering the prospect of Fernando Torres being purchased by our team. I think it would work. He’s damned good. But I’m straying. To the point, Torres has been unable to perform at this world cup thus far, having scored 0 goals in South Africa.Â I know why. Did you ever hear the biblical story of Samson and Delilah when you were a kid? I did. Basically, Samson is an invincible bad ass, and god tells him that won’t change until he cuts his flowy locks. Delilah comes in, mindfucks the shit out of Samson, off goes the hair, and boom; No more super powers
Now take a look at Fernando Torres:
DO YOU SEE IT?
Fernando Torres made the mistake of removing his beautiful locks, and in doing so broke the hearts of myself, ladies + gays everywhere, and god himself. Punishment has been swift as well. Zero goals for one of the most prolific strikers in the world. Let this be a lesson to you FERNANDO! Do not give yourself such a hideous hack job haircut right before the biggest competition of your life.Â This is sound advice for anyone really. Look what has happened to Tiger since he ceased skanking it up and fibbing about it! Burn!
Anyways, here is hoping that Germany beats Spain in the World Cup. As long as Torres doesn’t put a blond wig on I think we should be safe from him at the very least. If he does get transfered back to Chelsea, here better grow his god damned hair back out. Just saying.