Five Guys? Try Five Lies!

May 192010

I tried a new burger place in Harrisburg the other day that people claimed was “better than In-N-Out.” I will now completely disagree with that assertion. The first thing I noticed about Five Guys was that they were empty to the degree of two customers on a Wednesday night. I’ve never seen less than three customers inside In-N-Out in my whole life. There must be something shady about this place right? There is! Walk up to the counter and holy mother f*cking shit: One guy, three girls. How many guys advertised? Five. How many guys delivered? One. But it gets worse…

The counter girl yelled out some nonsense like “Two patties” and the affirmative from the single guy on the grill shattered my world. From behind, a guy. Actually, a girl. BOOM! ZERO GUYS. If I was a racist five year old, I would call Five Guys an Indian giver of guys. So lame. You may be wondering if I’m taking the title too seriously. You might even suggest via comments that the restaurant is in fact named after the five sons of the restaurant’s creator. Well you know what? I can wiki with the best of them and I am not impressed. As I postulated with the girlfriend, if I went into a male strip club called Ten Inch Dicks and there were nothing but 5 inch dicks waggling around, I would certainly feel aggrieved. I would also feel offended if their was only a single ten inch penis. Dicks, not dick.

The name of an establishment I have never experienced servers my imagination with a tone, and a feel which I enter the establishment expecting some echo of. It doesn’t have to be entirely accurate. But it should be relatively accurate. If I go into the restaurant called Friendly’s and my waiter is a dick, Friendly’s is a giant fail (for the record I have not been to Friendly’s, but apparently they are). If I go into Ten Inch Dicks and see a bunch of giant wieners, my expectations are met. When I entered Five Guys, I expected a sense of camaraderie amongst a group of five or more guys doing bro stuff and grilling me some goddamn burgers. I was failed, and thus Five Guys has failed. Get your burgers with mushrooms while you can people, I expect them to go out of business any day now.

And to address the very serious issue of their potential to compete with In-N-Out? None whatsoever. For starters, fries in cups are dumb, not having shakes for my belly is lame, shitty packaging that smooshes my burger reeks of laziness, and whenever I visit In-N-Out I go in and they GOD-DAMNED LET ME OUT!

 Posted by at 4:51 pm

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