Thats the lyric from a Linkin Park song I coincedentally heard this morning… It makes me wonder where I’m headed….
On Friday I totalled the Chevrolet Caprice Classic that was to be my car within mere days. I ran into the back of a Nissan pickup while attempting to brake. Nobody was hurt, but my car was rendered useless. Anyone who’s heard me speak of that car knows how much I loved it. It was my Great-Grandfathe’s, and soon it would have been mine, and I was so happy about it. Oh well. Now I must go into debt to purchase a new car, I must sell Darkwing my beautiful motorcycle, and I must suffer an insurance hike. It is a very sad that this happened, and I hate myself for it. But I guess that’s life, I do know that from now on I’ll me 10 times the driver that I was, I’m never letting that happen again. Sophie also got grounded on this day, so I was facing the fact that I might not be seeing her for some time.
Saturday I took my little brother to his first concert as a christmas/birthday present. Korn and Disturbed at the Cow Palace. We went with Joe and Derek, and Joe drove us in his car since I no longer had a car to drive :-/. My Brother enjoyed the show very much. I on the other hand, was preoccupied. I couldn’t stop thinking about Sophie, and my car, and how things were just in general pretty bad.
Then Today, I went to see Sophie on her break at her work. She told me how she wanted to just be friends now. I was crushed. I was expecting some badnews, but not really that badnews in the way that she said it. She did all the talking, and I basically sat there and absorbed. I left feeling hurt and confused.
I have had the worst weekend in my life, quite in contrast to the exuberance I felt on Tuesday. I never would have guessed that over 3 days my world could re-arrange itself so completely. I have to look for a loan now, and look for a car. I’m thinking I’ll either get an old Volvo Wagon or some old grandpa’s car. That hopefully will occupy all my spare time and keep my thoughts off other things.
What hurts most is the fact that I was so happy. I was in love with someone who I thought loved me, school was excellent, and work wasn’t so bad. I find it funny that losing Sophie comepletely outweights the car in my head, I would be just fine if I knew that she was still there for me. All I’ve ever really wanted from life is a decent relationship, someone to spend my time with, and I thought I had found that person this time, I really did.
Maybe it all happened this weekend for a reason, maybe getting pulverized all at once gives me a better chance at breaking clean and starting over. I’m really not sure how I’m going to handle the Sophie situation. Hanging out and being friends seems like such a dangerous idea, especially since I feel like I still love her despite the heart wrenching effect she has had on me. Maybe a clean break is neccessary, maybe a salvage operation…. I just don’t know…. I don’t even really understand why she ended it, maybe I never will…
I’m sure there is more to come in this drama, the question is, can I go lower? I sure hope not, but it’s always possible.
And that brings me back to the Linkin Park Lyric. I’ll try my best to handle this all in a very Kylekyle fashion, hopefully no breaking down. I’m going to try and lose myself in a few movies this week to, I haven’t graced the Roxy/Rialto as often as I used to. Bleh. I’m long winded, but theres so much on my mind…. If you read all this you’re amazing, it was alot of jabber.
Anyone can say hello, anytime at this link here, I always love messages!
Oh well, my happiness was good while it lasted……
kk
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