I feel so cancelled on!

Friday night I didn’t goto the prom. Nobody cancelled on me, I just didn’t go. This has nothing to with anything in the rest of this post.

Saturday I was cancelled upon. Poof, solo movie, read about it in the last post.

Sunday (Today) I’ve been cancelled upon, twice. First no Glassjaw for me, it didn’t work out, Haley couldn’t go, and I couldn’t reach Marc. Then I invite Jenni (Tapespaz) to see a movie w/ me after work, and that seems to be going well. Then, we plan for 10:00 because we will join her co-worker and her friend and see Star Wars. I went home since it was a while till 10:00, and it was gonna rain, and I didn’t want to laze about in SR, and good thing to, because Jenni tried to call, my phone didn’t work, ended up e-mailing me telling me that movie cancelled, mean parents. While not her fault in any way, it does go a long way in proving that the deity(s) above despise me and any plans I attempt to make. I think the only thing I succeeded in doing this weekend was buying the Depeche Mode CD I wanted at Best Buy. That was like the first time in 4 days I planned on doing something and it happened. What the hell man. Seriously.

This brings a thought to me, a thought that’s been bouncing about in what lies beneath** my hair. Action and Reaction. I read this quote that goes “True strength lies in action. Let the week react to me.” Albeit this is a somewhat stronger then normal quote, the basic concept is flawless. It always feels better to be acting, rather than reacting. I’d much rather invite a friend to do something, then have him cancel on me and still do said thing, than be invited by a friend, wait for said friend to call, then end up not doing said thing. Action, I do it. Reaction, I wait for others to do it and bring me along. I wonder if this makes sense to anyone but me, I might be deluding myself with nonsense here, but I don’t care. I always feel more self assured when I act myself, rather then waiting for someone else to act so I can react. Another example. Good= Asking a girl(or guy as the case may be) for phone #, so you may call them at your liesure. The ball is placed in your court, it’s your shot, blah blah blah. Bad= giving a girl (or guy) your number, so they can never call you, and crumple it up, and lose it, and overall dissapoint you. Even if in both cases nothing good comes (IE in both cases you are miserably shot down), it always seems somehow easier to recover from action than reaction. Action always leaves you knowing, there is no mystery and so on. Reaction leaves you with doubt, with anxiety, and far to much other useless garbage feelings that you don’t deserve to be tortured with.

Did that make sense? Well it did to me. It’s actually very soothing to write about ones problems like this. It always makes me feel better. I read on someones Journal that they feel that writing in these blasted LJ’s is not for one’s self but for the entertainment of others. I have to disagree here. Writing about one’s problems is very self-helping, and it gives you a chance to reflect on what you’ve done, and put it into acceptable wording for others to read. Whenever I write, I think about what I’m leaving out, and I wonder why I’m leaving it out, and why I have to leave it out, and should I really be leaving it out, and it points out alot of my self faults to me (IE I’m far to critical). Writing in these things helps me alot. I’m glad I do it. Erin Hanki (whos currently at UCSC) tells me I’m a perverted voyeurist for putting such personal things about myself blatantly on the internet. How so? Why is telling people I know (or even don’t know for that matter) about how I feel, and whats hurting me/making me feel good, such a bad thing? I’m more open then some people. I don’t care. I’m trusting, personally I think this is a good thing. Why hide how I feel? Well guess what, I won’t.

In the scheme of things, I haven’t had a bad weekend. I’ve seen good movies, enjoyed my self, bought a good CD, and all is well. Why am I left with such a nasty aftertaste in my mouth? I think it’s because of the potential the weekend had. I could have gone to the prom, but isntead I did hardly anything. It was possible that I could have had a date with Jenni on Saturday, but I didn’t. Today I could have gone to Glassjaw, or I could have seen a movie with Jenni, but I didn’t. Overall the potential of the weekend is a might shadow looming over the pitiful events that actually occured. So, in theory my weekend was decent, it was fun, I liked it. But in comparison, and deep down inside where my feelings are nestling, my weekend has me all sad.

My new CD should be good though, it’s Violator by Depeche Mode. It has my favorite Depeche Mode song on it, Enjoy The Silence. I absolutely love that song. Some lines from it actually apply to…. . Lines like “Vows are spoken… to be broken,” and “words are meaningless… and forgetable.”

I should really quit my whining. I have no reason to complain, lifes been decent to me. It’s just hard when lots of the things you want to go your way don’t go your way, you know? Bollux. Bollux on it all I say. I’m going to make a Magic deck. Then eat alot of icecream. Then listen to my new cd. These three things should make me feel better, hopefully alot better. Making a Magic the Gathering deck always helps alot, icecream is my favorite dessert, and music helps me fall asleep.

Tommorow I call Chevy’s for the 3rd and hopefully final time. Lets all pray for a success, I think I really need one right now.

I don’t think I’ll be doing any updating for the next few days, I put alot into this one. Way to much of my mental matter. Goodnight everyone, hope you all had successful weekends.

** What lies Beneath – A thoroughly disturbing movie. I saw this flick with Matt, and it scared me witless. Harrison Ford makes a creepy bad guy, because you just want to love him, due to all the times he’s gotten the short end of the stick in other movies.